All I wanna do is Splice up my life!

On second thought…. no, I don’t. Why? WHY? I’ll tell you why!! I don’t feel like getting felt up by a creature which brings back memories of Sloth from The Goonies! Ok, well she wasn’t that bad… But don’t dooo her and not call the next day, I hear she haaaaates one night stands.

So this movie was… creeepy as shit. Not in the I’m scared kind of way, but more in the W…..T….F… kind of way. At the same time, predictability sets in half way through the movie. I mean, I would have bet 20 bucks that someone was going to get boned by chicken foot. In fact, I DID bet 20 bucks, and would still have it too if had not also bet that Adrien Brody wasn’t an Alien… shows what I know…

Seen here in what appears to be good o’l feline Larson, you can already get a sense of how disgusting this movie gets. She’s running…holding a cat…. with NO PANTS ON! I know, sick right?

To say the least, I’m glad a saw this movie. To say the most would be to say I’m glad to have watched almost every movie I have. So don’t consider this one special……at all.

Soylent Green – I SAID NO KETCHUP!!

As I work my way through hundreds of sci-fi movies, it was inevitable that I indulge in a little Soylet Green. A timeless classic, and tasty snack, Soylent Green shou….. what? ITS MADE OF WHAT??? Ohhhhhh…. For a second there I was afraid you said Humus. False alarm…

Now I don’t know about you, but I’m almost positive that Heston acquired his firearm affinity while shooting (intentional pun – I’m awesome) this movie. Of course he would want to gun everyone down after fighting for tiny portions of chewable, REAL food. I mean, not that people crackers aren’t real, because lets face it, shit doesn’t get more real than eating a graham cracker made of your neighbours leg…

Soylent Green is certainly a film with a lot to offer. If sexually active furniture isn’t your thing, you’ll be happy to know that there are action packed street riots, like this one!

With good’ol dumping people in to a truck, you’ll be reminiscent of your Zoot Suit days in no time!  You’ll also get a glimpse in to the making of Soylent Green.

Unfortunately for this promotional add, there was a moisture leak above the production line which transmuted some Soylent. I think they’ll advertise it as a new product for kids though. —GROW-A-HESTON! Just add a little water, and in seconds you’ll have your very own ascot-sporting frilly boy!—-

Overall, the movie was good. I honestly would have enjoyed it more had it not been for the Ascot… There is just something about them I think… Oh! I know… THEY’RE HIDDEOUS!!

If you haven’t seen the film yet, go head. It’s a classic for a reason. And if you’re anything like me, you’ll stay up listening to the power rangers theme on repeat dying saltine crackers green until you pass out.

TOXIC FOOD COLOURING FTW!!!!

The Time Traveler’s Morlock

I found this old high school prom photo of my girlfriend and I a few days ago. I’LL admit that yes, my hair wasn’t the nicest that day, but it was EFFING humid out alright!… And besides, she looks like a monster anyways, so LAY OFF MY HAIR! gaaawwwd…..

In contrast to high school memories and beautiful prom queens, the story of H.G Wells gal-e-vanting through time in search of his penis, I mean weenis,…err… Weena, is a gripping one. Not only does this dude manage to narrowly escape nuclear fallout, see his best friend’s son get old and bitter, and watch his house decay around him, but he lands in a world where people have evolved into a subterranean, glowey-eyed cult! LIKE JAWAS!!

Dude, GET BACK IN YOUR ELTON-JOHN MOBILE AND BOOK IT!!! THEYS GONNA EAT YO BRAINS!! Well, ok, maybe not, but who knows what goes on down there after the alarms go off!?? Maybe its a giant cave orgy like in the matrix?… I don’t know about you, but these hotties look ready to go.

If you haven’t already seen H.G Wells The Time Machine, DO IT! And for all you continuity freaks out there, you’ll have plenty to snark at. Like this pocket watch from 1905 that he uses in 1899!!!! Thats right, I’m ALL over that shit!

Dancing with myself, roo-oom-ba!

Alright, I’m ashamed of the title too. Get over it… like the girl you tried to get with who eventually got over your floppy disk and promised not to tell… Jokes on you, SHE TOLD ME! And yes, she DID say 3.5″…

Well, I’m sure you’ve all thought of it, maybe even dreamt and or fantasized about it like me, but one things for sure; we all want a Bieber blasting roomba. I mean, in theory, it’s a fairly simple concept.

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Why no one has actually come out with this paradigm-shifting suck-o-bot, I haven’t the slightest idea. I mean, the sucko-o world as we know it will change forever. Imagine listening to your favorite pokerap song while a robot sucks up the Cheetos and beer from last nights 25 man raid. All this taking place while you’re laying in your spiderman boxer shorts yelling at your mom for another hot pocket… PARADIGM SHIFTING HOMES!!!!

Not only are you not allowed on my planet, YOU’RE FORBIDDEN!!!

Like what I did there? That smooth transition from you not caring, to being forbidden from landing on Kombtopia… What? I don’t want d-bags people like you on my planet.. hey, IT’S MY PLANET! Ok, so maybe I don’t have a planet… But I do own FORBIDDEN planet, which let me tell you, is a 1950′s bag of awesome!!

How did that photo get there?? Oh well…Aren’t I cute? My head isn’t that big in real life, I swear…

I think pretty much all movies with robots and women on the poster have a special place in my heart. Especially if the planet they’re standing on should realistically have no oxygen. WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL THE MIDGET FIGHTING MONKEYS TREES WILCOX??? Despite the lack of a sustainable oxygen source, the motion picture kept me going for most of the reel. Except the part when the big metal shades go up in Huge Hef’s alien shag pad. I think I’ve seen better stop motion in low-budget claymation porn. Didn’t know Gumby and Pokey could party like that, huh?

If you’re looking for a 50′s sci-fi to watch tonight, try forbidden planet. It was great for the 4 bucks I paid for it, and had all of the lasers, monsters, and girl-on-Nielsen action you could expect!

Oh, and if you’re wondering, I’ve already finished construction on my own Robby. I have way more booze and limited edition Yoda figures than you ever will!!! TAKE THAT SUCKA!

Here goes nothing…

After finishing half a chicken, and passing out on a curb enjoying the outdoors, I decided “hey, blog time!”.

And so began the mating ritual between finger and board, to spawn what will go down in history as, RUNNING WITH ROBOTS! Now hang on, I know what you’re thinking… robots don’t run. THATS WHERE YOU’RE WRONG! They only want you to think they can’t. That way, when you try to escape by casually strutting towards the exit with no fear of being caught, they’ll go all olympic Kenyan on your ass and laser you in your big unsuspecting face!! I don’t care if that was run on, IT’LL HAPPEN TO YOU!!!!